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五条真硬汉——为什么说兰博是个娘们
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2009/08/03 20:30 | by king ]
2009/08/03 20:30 | by king ]
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众所周知，动作电影都是些不靠谱的逃避现实的货色。再怎么说，一个孤胆英雄也不能七进七出独闯龙潭干掉所有坏蛋吧？
别说，还真是“我能”。随便翻翻历史书，你会发现里面净是些屌到不行的军人，他们的英雄事迹牛屄到没人敢把它们改编成电影，生怕破坏其真实性。下面这五个人就是这类军人的代表。
第五名 海西摩（Simo Hayha）
他是谁？
海西摩的芬兰生活乏善可陈。他服了一年义务兵役，就回家种地去了。但是在1939年苏军入侵他的祖国时，他决定站出来保家卫国了。
因为战斗主要是在森林中打响的，所以他发现阻止敌兵入侵最有效的办法就是扛起那杆可靠的步枪，带上几罐吃的，躲进树林整天打苏联人。周围是六呎厚的雪。和零下20到40℃的气温。
你看见海西摩了吗？苏联人也没看见。
当然了，苏联人听说他们一下损失好几十人，而且都是被一个拿步枪的哥们儿收拾的之后，也他妈吓坏了。他因为所用的白色伪装，得了一个“白死神”的绰号。苏军只为了杀他一个，的的确确发起了好几次作战行动。
他们派出一支特种部队去侦查、消灭海西摩。他把他们都干掉了。
他们又组织了一支反狙击部队（基本上就是一些专杀狙击手的狙击手），派他们去消灭海西摩。他又把他们也都干掉了。
在100天的时间里，海西摩用步枪一共干掉542人。他还用冲锋枪消灭了大约150人，把自己的杀敌纪录提高到了705。
因为手下已经没有足够的胆量或脑袋再去靠近海西摩，苏联人开始对他可能藏身的所有区域进行地毯式轰炸。据推测，他们有一次还是炸对了地方的，那次一片弹片云炸坏了他的大衣，但是没有真正伤到他。他他妈可是白死神啊，我靠。
最后，在1940年3月6日，一个走运的杂种射出的开花弹击中了他的头部。当他被战友发现，带回基地时，他“脑袋只剩半个了”。白死神终于停下了……
差不多一周。除了有点儿严重的脸部中弹综合症以外，他活得好好的，在3月13日这天恢复了意识。就在同一天，战争结束了。
好莱坞编的最接近的角色：
《狙击手》（Shooter）中的鲍勃·李·史瓦格（马克·沃尔伯格）：
在《狙击手》中，马克·沃尔伯格扮演了一个疲惫的遁世前狙击手，一心想逃离自己阴魂不散的过去。联邦调查局召来鲍勃·李，想问问如果他（只是假设）想要谋杀，比方说，总统的话，他会（只是假设）怎么做？他们说他是“顶尖高手”，因为他在接受了多年的远距离射击训练后，曾经在沙漠里成功的干掉过70个人，用的是下面的家伙：
为什么不能相提并论：
除了海西摩只接受了基本的军事训练就干掉了超过鲍勃十倍以上的敌人这个明显事实以外，他还是在零下40度的气温、森林中间做到的这一点。而且，他完成这一切用的是下面这样的家伙：
第四名 尤甘达辛（Yogendra Singh Yadav）
他是谁？
尤甘达辛在1999年的印巴冲突中是印军掷弹营的一名士兵。他们当时的任务是爬上“饿虎岭（Tiger Hill）”（实际上是座超级高的大山），压制山顶上的敌军地堡火力。不幸的是，这意味着沿着布满了坚冰的百呎峭壁一路爬上去。因为不想让每个人一把冰镐挨个爬上去，所以他们决定派一个人先爬上去，然后沿路固定好绳子，再让其他人像个娘们似的一路上去。尤甘达辛做为一枚牛屄，主动请缨先上。
爬到那面命悬一线的峭壁中间时，驻扎在临近山上的敌军开火了。他们先用火箭推进榴弹猛轰一气，又用自动步枪把子弹潮水般泼向峭壁。他所在小队的人死了一半，指挥官也死于非命，幸存者被打散了，失去组织。尤甘达辛虽然身中三弹，却仍在攀登。
爬到崖顶后，一个目标地堡的机关枪向他开火。尤甘达辛朝弹雨跑去，往窗子里扔了颗手雷，消灭了里面所有的人。此时第二个地堡对准他开始射击，于是他又跑向这里的敌人，在中弹的同时赤手空拳消灭了地堡里的四个全副武装的敌人。
与此同时，他所在小队剩下的战友们站在悬崖顶上盯着他说：“龟儿子，雄起！”然后他们一拥而上，毫不费力的拿下了第三个地堡。
因为他的英勇气概和纯爷们儿表现，他被授予了Param Vir Chakra，印度最高的军事奖励。与荣誉勋章不同，Param Vir Chakra只颁给那些“超乎使命所限的、在寻常生活中被认为没有可能的世所罕有的英勇行为”。没错，想入选的话就得打破一些现实定律。
在我们想象中这枚勋章状似两粒黄铜睾丸
这项奖励只颁发过21次，有三分之二的获奖者死后受勋。最开始的报告里说尤甘达辛也死了，结果他们发现自己搞错了，死的是另一个没那么屌的家伙。或者他们只是以为一个真人断了一条腿、一条胳膊、身上又一次开了10-15个弹孔后还能活下来，那才叫见了鬼。
好莱坞编的最接近的角色：
《虎胆龙威》（Die Hard）中的约翰·麦克莱恩（布鲁斯·威利斯）：
为什么不能相提并论：
麦克莱恩的事迹挺不错：很屌、在电梯井里攀爬、赤手空拳消灭恐怖分子，跟尤甘达辛差不多，不过尤甘达辛10分钟中的弹比麦克莱恩在全套4集中的都多，而且脚步一点没慢下来。还有，他那时才他妈19岁！想像一下上高中的布鲁斯·威利斯大喊：“当里个当，草泥马！”
就是这样。
第三名 邱杰（Jack Churchill）
他是谁？
二战的一名同盟国指挥官，狂热的冲浪爱好者。杰克·马尔科姆·索普·弗莱明·邱吉尔上尉又名“好战的邱杰”又名“疯狂杰克”基本上是整个战争中最疯狂的王八蛋。
他志愿参加了突击队，但他那时并不知道去了要干嘛，只知道听着很危险，所以很有意思。他最出名的事迹是说出“参加战斗的军官不带剑等于着装不整”这样的名言，以及顺理成章的，带着剑参加战斗。在二战。而且不是那种海军陆战队在仪式上用的娘们儿玩意儿。对，邱杰带的是一把双手大剑。而且他还在战斗中使用这把大剑。他的战绩包括一夜俘获42名德军和一个迫击炮班，只用这把大剑。
邱杰和他的小队去执行一项任务，要占领一个德军要塞，要塞被极富创意的命名为“622高地”。邱杰作为指挥者，一马当先冲进了密布铁丝网和地雷的黑暗中，一边顺手扔几枚手榴弹。虽然他的小队想努力追上他，但是最后只剩六个人了，其他人都因为一些无足轻重的小事儿——比方说死于非命——没能跟上队伍。在那六个人里，一半受了伤，所有人的武器都只剩手枪了。然后一枚迫击炮弹打了过来，让每个人非死即重伤——除了邱杰。
德军发现他时，他正在用风笛演奏一曲《你是否一去不复返？》（Will Ye No Come Back Again?）哦，我们忘了说风笛了？他一直把它背在自己的大剑旁边。
被送进集中营后，他很快厌倦了里面的生活，就走了。两腿一前一后的迈步走出去了。德国人又抓住了他，把他送进了另一个集中营。他又走了。这次他只带了一个锈迹斑斑的洋葱罐头当吃的，走了150哩，然后被美国人发现并送回了英国。他在英国请求重上战场，结果（极为沮丧的）发现战争在他长途跋涉的过程中就已经结束了。他后来跟朋友们说：“要不是那帮操蛋的美国佬，咱们至少还能再打上10年！”
好莱坞编的最接近的角色：
《现代启示录》中的比尔·祈戈上校（罗伯特·杜瓦尔），一举成名的台词是“我喜欢在清早闻汽油弹味儿”。
为什么不能相提并论：
呃，说实话，这两位差不多就是一个人。他们都在战场上才感到自在，有着相同的战争哲学，而且好像都对迫击炮和弹片免疫。基本上邱杰就是个更疯狂的苏格兰版祈戈。拿着一把他妈的苏格兰大剑。可以把他理解为由《勇敢的心》里的威廉·华莱士磕了冰毒之后扮演的比尔·祈戈。
第二名 姚挨坟（Alvin York）
他是谁？
姚挨坟出生在田纳西一个守旧的农村家庭，青年时代主要投身于在酒吧喝得烂醉以及在酒吧和人斗殴的事业当中。有一次他的一个朋友在前述的斗殴中身亡，他因此发誓戒酒，成了个和平主义者。在1917年接到征兵令后，姚挨坟登记为“出于信仰拒服兵役”，但是没被批准。他们把他扔上船，送去了新兵营。
差不多一年之后，包括他在内的17人受命前去伏击一个守卫德国铁路的营地，那里有重机枪把守。在他们接近营地的过程中，机枪手发现了他们，开火，把其中的九个人打成了碎片。
姚挨坟小队的所有幸存者。
没被打死的人当中，屌不够硬的家伙都逃走了，只留下姚挨坟一个人站在那儿被32名重机枪手打着玩儿。他在日记中写道：
“我来不及躲在树后面，来不及跳进灌木丛，甚至连跪低或者趴下都来不及。我啥也来不及整，只能看着那嘎的德国机枪手，尽力而为。我猫见一个德国人就干倒一个。我一开始是用卧姿射击，就是趴着开枪，跟我们在田纳西山上搞打靶比赛那时候的架势一样，距离也差不多。但是这儿的靶子比较大。我在这个距离想打不中德国人的脑袋或者身上也难。我都打中了。”
在他打死了大约20人后，一名德军中尉命令五名手下从侧面冲锋试图干掉姚挨坟。姚挨坟掏出一把点四五柯尔特手枪（共有八发子弹）把他们全部消灭了。他把该行为比喻成“在家里打野火鸡”。
此时，保罗·尤尔根·弗莫中尉在大作的枪声中高喊，问姚挨坟是不是英国人。知道了吧，一战的时候，还没人拿美国人当回事呢，大家都当他们是新手。弗莫觉得这个疯狂/牛屄/超屌的士兵一定是个在指导这些美国娘们儿如何打仗的英国超人。听到姚挨坟是个美国人以后，弗莫答道：“老天爷！只要你停火，我让他们都投降。”
十分钟以后，133个人朝着姚挨坟所在营队的残部走来。姚挨坟的长官伍兹中尉开始以为这是德军的反攻，看见姚挨坟一边敬礼一边说“下士姚挨坟带俘虏前来报告，长官”之后才明白过来是怎么回事。惊魂未定的长官问姚挨坟到底多少俘虏时，他答道：“老实说，上尉，我也不知道。”
好莱坞编的最接近的角色：
《第一滴血》（Rambo）中的约翰·兰博。
为什么不能相提并论：
当然啦，兰博的确是跟一大堆看守战俘营的越南士兵干上了，而且把他们都消灭了。但是那都是战争结束10年以后的事儿了。他们可没等着说有什么人冲进战俘营来，把大家都干翻这种事情。
姚挨坟可是在货真价实的战争中一展雄风的，而且在任何一点上都比兰博要更屌一些。姚挨坟还是个和平主义者。
第一名 莫非无敌（Audie Murphy）
他是谁？
莫非无敌1942年报名参加海军陆战队时年方16，身高5呎5吋（约1米65）体重110磅（将近100斤）。他们当场嘲笑他。于是他又报名参加空军，他们也大肆嘲笑他。然后他又报名参加陆军，他们觉得多个大头兵挡子弹也不算多，于是就收了他。他表现不算好，有一次还在训练中昏倒了，这使得他们打算让他去当炊事兵。他仍然坚持要上战场，于是他们把他送上了前线。
在攻占意大利的过程中，他因为射击技术高超晋升为下士，与此同时感染了疟疾，直到战争结束前一直患有该病。最好记住这一点。
他于1944年被派到法国南部。他遭遇的一个德国机枪小队诈降后打死了他最好的朋友。莫非无敌在暴怒下变身升级，干掉了机枪工事里的所有敌人，然后用他们的武器消灭了半径100码范围内的所有坏蛋，包括另两个机枪工事和一帮狙击手。他因此获得铜十字英勇勋章，晋升为排长，之前所有肆无忌惮的叫他“矬子”的人都向他道了歉。
大约半年之后，他的连队受命保卫科尔马口袋（Colmar Pocket），一个法国的战略要地，尽管他们此时只有19个人（一开始有128人）和几辆M-10坦克歼击车。
德军派出了一大坨士兵和六辆坦克。因为援军暂时来不了，莫非无敌和他的士兵们隐蔽在战壕里，让M-10去硬碰硬。它们被炸成了碎片。
然后，这个有疟疾的5呎半高的小伙儿跑到一辆无法移动的M-10旁，跳进去之后操起点五零口径的机枪开始扫射视野里的所有东西。要知道，着了火、加满油的M-10基本上就是个死亡陷阱。
他身量确实不高。
他在里面打了将近一个小时，直到子弹用完为止，然后走回那帮震惊的士兵旁，此时那辆M-10在背景中以《疯狂麦克斯》（Mad Max）的风格爆炸。不夸张的说，他们授予他所有勋章（总共33枚，其中有几种勋章他得了两枚，还有5枚法国的，1枚比利时的），包括荣誉勋章。
战后，他罹患弹震症，处方开的是抗抑郁剂乙氯维诺。他在药物成瘾后，不是像个娘们儿那样加入什么戒瘾计划，而是一下发狠，把自己锁在一间汽车旅馆的房间里一周，然后就戒掉了。他写了本自传，名为《百战荣归》（To Hell and Back），后来还当了演员。
好莱坞编的最接近的角色：
《百战荣归》（To Hell and Back）中的莫非无敌（莫非无敌）：
他身量确实不高。
在电影《百战荣归》中，莫非无敌扮演莫非无敌，一个巨屌的战争英雄，在战场上以牛翻天的汉子行为证明自己的价值。这部电影成了环球电影出品的票房榜首之作，这一纪录一直持续20年才被《大白鲨》打破。没错，他们得用一部讲述巨型吃人鲨鱼的电影才能盖过莫非无敌的冲天牛气。
为什么不能相提并论：
在某个好莱坞制片人打算拍一部根据莫非无敌的自传改编的电影时，他就决定用莫非无敌来演他自己了。莫非无敌担心人们看了这些牛屄到癫狂的事迹后会以为这是他在给自己添油加醋，拿自己的名声换钱使，于是他就让他们删掉了其中的一些情节，以免让好莱坞观众看了以后觉得不可信。那确实。
原文
引用
5 Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like a Pussy
We all understand that action movies are cheesy escapism. After all, could one commando really take out a whole compound full of bad guys?
Actually, yes. It turns out the history books are full of stories of soldiers doing things so badass they'd hesitate to put them into a film for fear of killing the realism. Like these five, for example.
#5.
Simo Hayha
Who Was He?
Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.
Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.
Can you spot Hayha? Neither could the Russians.
Of course when the Russians heard that dozens of their men were going down and that it was all one dude with a rifle, they got fucking scared. He became known as "The White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit, and they actually mounted whole missions just to kill that one guy.
They started by sending out a task force to find Hayha and take him out. He killed them all.
Then they tried getting together a team of counter-snipers (which are basically snipers that kill snipers) and sent them in to eliminate Hayha. He killed all of them, too.
Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.
Since everyone they had was either too dead or too scared to go anywhere near him, the Russians just carpet-bombed everywhere they thought he might be. Supposedly, they had the location right, and he actually got hit by a cloud of shrapnel that tore his coat up, but didn't actually hurt him, because he's the fucking White Death, damn it.
Finally on March 6th, 1940, some lucky bastard shot Hayha in the head with an exploding bullet. When some other soldiers found him and brought him back to base, he "had half his head missing." The White Death had finally been stopped...
...for about a week. In spite of having come down with a nasty case of shot-in-the-face syndrome, he was still very much alive, and regained consciousness on March 13, the very day the war ended.
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) from Shooter:
In Shooter, Mark Wahlberg plays a reclusive, worn-out ex-sniper trying to escape the ghosts of his past. Bob Lee is called in by the FBI who want to know if he (hypothetically) wanted to murder, let's say, the president, how would he (hypothetically) do it? They claim that he's "the best there is" because after years of training with long-distance shooting, he successfully killed 70 men in the desert with one of these:
Why it doesn't Compare:
Aside from the obvious fact that Hayha killed over 10 times as many men after only the most basic military training, he did it in 40-below weather, in the middle of the forest. And he did it all with one of these:
#4.
Yogendra Singh Yadav
Who Was He?
Yogendra Singh Yadav was a member of an Indian grenadier battalion during a conflict with Pakistan in 1999. Their mission was to climb "Tiger Hill" (actually a big-ass mountain), and neutralize the three enemy bunkers at the top. Unfortunately, this meant climbing up a sheer hundred-foot cliff-face of solid ice. Since they didn't want to all climb up one at a time with ice-axes, they decided they'd send one guy up, and he'd fasten the ropes to the cliff as he went, so everyone else could climb up the sissy way. Yadav, being awesome, volunteered.
Half way up the icy cliff-o'-doom, enemies stationed on an adjacent mountain opened fire, shooting them with an RPG, then spraying assault-rifle fire all over the cliff. Half his squad was killed, including the commander, and the rest were scattered and disorganized. Yadav, in spite of being shot three times, kept climbing.
When he reached the top, one of the target bunkers opened fire on him with machine guns. Yadav ran toward the hail of bullets, pitched a grenade in the window and killed everyone inside. By this point the second bunker had a clear shot and opened fire, so he ran at them, taking bullets while he did, and killed the four heavily-armed men inside with his bare hands.
Meanwhile, the remainder of his squad was standing at the top of the cliff staring at him saying, "dude, holy shit!" They then all went and took the third bunker with little trouble.
For his gallantry and sheer ballsiness, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, India's highest military award. Unlike the Medal of Honor, the Param Vir Chakra is only given for "rarest of the rare gallantry which is beyond the call of duty and which in normal life is considered impossible to do." That's right, you actually have to break the laws of reality just to be eligible.
And we imagine the medal looks like two, brass testicles.
It has only been awarded 21 times, and two thirds of the people who earned it died in the process. It was initially reported that Yadav had as well, but it turns out that they just mistook him for someone less badass. Or they just figured no real human being could survive a broken leg, shattered arm and 10-15 fresh bullet holes in one sitting.
The best Hollywood could come up with:
John McClane (Bruce Wilis) from Die Hard:
Why it Doesn't Compare:
McClane has a fairly impressive resume of badassery, climbing through elevator shafts and killing terrorists with his bare hands, much like Yadav, except Yadav took more bullets in 10 minutes than McClane did in the entire series without even slowing down. Plus, he was fucking 19-years-old! Try to imagine a high school Bruce Willis screaming, "yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!"
Exactly.
#3.
Jack Churchill
Who Was He?
An allied commander in WWII, and an avid fan of surfing, Captain Jack Malcolm Thorpe Fleming Churchill aka "Fighting Jack Churchill" aka "Mad Jack" was basically the craziest motherfucker in the whole damn war.
He volunteered for commando duty, not actually knowing what it entailed, but knowing that it sounded dangerous, and therefore fun. He is best known for saying that "any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed" and, in following with this, for carrying a sword into battle. In WWII. And not one of those sissy ceremonial things the Marines have. No, Jack carried a fucking claymore. And he used it, too. He is credited with capturing a total of 42 Germans and a mortar squad in the middle of the night, using only his sword.
Churchill and his team were tasked with capturing a German fortification creatively called "Point 622." Churchill took the lead, charging ahead of the group into the dark through the barbed wire and mines, pitching grenades as he went. Although his unit did their best to catch up, all but six of them were lost to silly things like death. Of those six, half were wounded and all any of them had left were pistols. Then a mortar shell swung in and killed/mortally wounded everyone who wasn't Jack Churchill.
When the Germans found him, he was playing "Will Ye No Come Back Again?" on his bagpipes. Oh, we didn't mention that? He carried them right next to his big fucking sword.
After being sent to a concentration camp, he got bored and left. Just walked out. They caught him again, and sent him to a new camp. So he left again. After walking 150 miles with only a rusty can of onions for food, he was picked up by the Americans and sent back to Britain, where he demanded to be sent back into the field, only to find out (with great disappointment) the war had ended while he was on his way there. As he later said to his friends, "If it wasn't for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another 10 years!"
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert DuVall) from Apocalypse Now, of "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" fame.
Why It Doesn't Compare:
Well, truth be told, they're pretty much the same person. They're both at home on the battlefield, they have the same philosophies of war and both of them seem to be immune to mortar fire and bullets. Churchill's basically a crazier, Scottish version of Kilgore. With a big fucking broadsword. Like if Kilgore was played by William Wallace from Braveheart on crystal meth.
#2.
Alvin York
Who Was He?
Born to a family of redneck farmers from Tennessee, Alvin York spent much of his youth getting piss drunk in bars and getting into crazy barfights. When his friend got killed in one of the aforementioned barfights, he swore off the liquor, and became a pacifist. When he received his draft notice in 1917, York filed as a "conscientious objector" but was denied. They shipped his ass out to basic training.
About a year later, he was one of 17 men designated to sneak around and take out a fortified machine-gun encampment guarding a German railroad. As they were approaching, the gunners spotted them and opened fire, tearing nine of the men to pieces.
What's left of York's troupe.
The few survivors that didn't have enormous balls of steel ran away, leaving York standing there taking fire from 32 heavy machine gunners. As he said in his diary,
"I didn't have time to dodge behind a tree or dive into the brush, I didn't even have time to kneel or lie down. I had no time no how to do nothing but watch them-there German machine gunners and give them the best I had. Every time I seed a German I just touched him off. At first I was shooting from a prone position; that is lying down; just like we often shoot at the targets in the shooting matches in the mountains of Tennessee; and it was just about the same distance. But the targets here were bigger. I just couldn't miss a German's head or body at that distance. And I didn't."
After he killed the first 20 men or so, a German lieutenant got five guys together to try to take this guy from the side. York pulled out his Colt .45 (which only had eight bullets) and killed all of them with it, a practice he likened to "shoot[ing] wild turkeys back home."
At this point lieutenant Paul Jurgen Vollmer yelled out over the noise asking if York was English. See, in WWI, no one really took the Americans very seriously, and everyone thought of them as the rookies. Vollmer figured this crazy/awesome/ballsy soldier must be some kind of English superman who was showing these sissy Americans how it was done. When York said he was American, Vollmer replied "Good Lord! If you won't shoot any more I will make them give up."
Ten minutes later, 133 men came walking towards the remains of York's battalion. Lieutenant Woods, York's superior at first thought it was a German counter-attack until he saw York, who saluted and said "Corporal York reports with prisoners, sir." When the stunned officer asked how many, York replied "Honest, Lieutenant, I don't know."
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
John Rambo from Rambo.
Why it Doesn't Compare:
Sure, Rambo takes on a huge chunk of the Vietnamese soldiers guarding a POW camp and slaughters them all. But that was a good 10 years after the war ended. It's not like they were expecting some guy to come charging into the camp, mowing everybody down.
York pulled his badassery off in the middle of a war, while outnumbered every bit as badly as Rambo was. And York's the one who was a pacifist.
#1.
Audie Murphy
Who Was He?
When Audie Murphy applied to the Marines in 1942 at the tender age of 16, he was 5'5" and weighed 110 pounds. They laughed in his face. So he applied to the Air Force, and they also laughed in his face. Then he applied for the Army, and they figured they could always use another grunt to absorb gunfire, so they let him in. He wasn't particularly good at it, and they actually tried to get him transferred to be a cook after he passed out halfway through training. He insisted that he wanted to fight though, so they sent him into the maelstrom.
During the invasion of Italy he was promoted to corporal for his awesome shooting skills, and at the same time contracted malaria, which he had for almost the entire war. Try to remember that.
He was sent into southern France in 1944. He encountered a German machine gun crew who pretended they were surrendering, then shot his best buddy. Murphy completely hulked out, killed everyone in the gun nest, then used their weaponry to kill every baddie in a 100-yard radius, including two more machine gun nests and a bunch of snipers. They gave him a Distiguished Service Cross, and made him platoon commander while everyone apologized profusely for calling him "Shorty."
About half a year later, his company was given the job of defending the Colmar Pocket, a critical region in France, even though all they had left was 19 guys (out of the original 128) and a couple of M-10 Tank Destroyers.
The Germans showed up with a shitload of guys and half a dozen tanks. Since reinforcements weren't coming for a while, Murphy and his men hid in a trench and sent the M-10s to go do the heavy lifting. They got ripped to shreds.
Then, this five-and-a-half-foot-tall kid with malaria ran up to one of the crippled M-10s, hopped in behind the .50 cal machine gun, and started killing everything in sight. Understand that the M-10 was on fire, had a full tank of gas and was basically a death-trap.
He is a seriously tiny man.
He kept going for almost an hour until he was out of bullets, then walked back to his bewildered men as the M-10 exploded in the background Mad Max style. They gave him literally every medal they could (33 in all, although he had doubles of a few, plus five from France and one from Belgium), including the Medal of Honor.
After the war, he came down with Shell-Shock, and was prescribed the antidepressant placidyl. When he became addicted to the drug, rather than enter a program like some kind of sissy, he went cold-turkey, locked himself in a motel room for a week and got over it. He wrote an autobiography entitled To Hell and Back, and later became an actor.
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Audie Murphy (Audie Murphy) from To Hell and Back:
He is a seriously tiny man.
In To Hell and Back, Audie Murphy plays Audie Murphy, a badass war hero who proves his worth on the battlefield with his awesome badassery. The movie was the highest-grossing film Universal made, a record it held for 20 years until the making of Jaws. That's right, they actually needed a movie about a giant, man-eating, shark to top Audie Murphy's awesomeness.
Why it Doesn't Compare:
When some Hollywood producer wanted to make a movie based on Murphy's autobiography, he was determined to have Murphy play himself in the film. Murphy was afraid people would see the complete insane awesomeness the story had to offer, and think he was embellishing or trying to cash in on his fame, so he actually had them take parts out for fear that they wouldn't be believable to a Hollywood audience. Seriously.
We all understand that action movies are cheesy escapism. After all, could one commando really take out a whole compound full of bad guys?
Actually, yes. It turns out the history books are full of stories of soldiers doing things so badass they'd hesitate to put them into a film for fear of killing the realism. Like these five, for example.
#5.
Simo Hayha
Who Was He?
Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.
Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.
Can you spot Hayha? Neither could the Russians.
Of course when the Russians heard that dozens of their men were going down and that it was all one dude with a rifle, they got fucking scared. He became known as "The White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit, and they actually mounted whole missions just to kill that one guy.
They started by sending out a task force to find Hayha and take him out. He killed them all.
Then they tried getting together a team of counter-snipers (which are basically snipers that kill snipers) and sent them in to eliminate Hayha. He killed all of them, too.
Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.
Since everyone they had was either too dead or too scared to go anywhere near him, the Russians just carpet-bombed everywhere they thought he might be. Supposedly, they had the location right, and he actually got hit by a cloud of shrapnel that tore his coat up, but didn't actually hurt him, because he's the fucking White Death, damn it.
Finally on March 6th, 1940, some lucky bastard shot Hayha in the head with an exploding bullet. When some other soldiers found him and brought him back to base, he "had half his head missing." The White Death had finally been stopped...
...for about a week. In spite of having come down with a nasty case of shot-in-the-face syndrome, he was still very much alive, and regained consciousness on March 13, the very day the war ended.
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) from Shooter:
In Shooter, Mark Wahlberg plays a reclusive, worn-out ex-sniper trying to escape the ghosts of his past. Bob Lee is called in by the FBI who want to know if he (hypothetically) wanted to murder, let's say, the president, how would he (hypothetically) do it? They claim that he's "the best there is" because after years of training with long-distance shooting, he successfully killed 70 men in the desert with one of these:
Why it doesn't Compare:
Aside from the obvious fact that Hayha killed over 10 times as many men after only the most basic military training, he did it in 40-below weather, in the middle of the forest. And he did it all with one of these:
#4.
Yogendra Singh Yadav
Who Was He?
Yogendra Singh Yadav was a member of an Indian grenadier battalion during a conflict with Pakistan in 1999. Their mission was to climb "Tiger Hill" (actually a big-ass mountain), and neutralize the three enemy bunkers at the top. Unfortunately, this meant climbing up a sheer hundred-foot cliff-face of solid ice. Since they didn't want to all climb up one at a time with ice-axes, they decided they'd send one guy up, and he'd fasten the ropes to the cliff as he went, so everyone else could climb up the sissy way. Yadav, being awesome, volunteered.
Half way up the icy cliff-o'-doom, enemies stationed on an adjacent mountain opened fire, shooting them with an RPG, then spraying assault-rifle fire all over the cliff. Half his squad was killed, including the commander, and the rest were scattered and disorganized. Yadav, in spite of being shot three times, kept climbing.
When he reached the top, one of the target bunkers opened fire on him with machine guns. Yadav ran toward the hail of bullets, pitched a grenade in the window and killed everyone inside. By this point the second bunker had a clear shot and opened fire, so he ran at them, taking bullets while he did, and killed the four heavily-armed men inside with his bare hands.
Meanwhile, the remainder of his squad was standing at the top of the cliff staring at him saying, "dude, holy shit!" They then all went and took the third bunker with little trouble.
For his gallantry and sheer ballsiness, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, India's highest military award. Unlike the Medal of Honor, the Param Vir Chakra is only given for "rarest of the rare gallantry which is beyond the call of duty and which in normal life is considered impossible to do." That's right, you actually have to break the laws of reality just to be eligible.
And we imagine the medal looks like two, brass testicles.
It has only been awarded 21 times, and two thirds of the people who earned it died in the process. It was initially reported that Yadav had as well, but it turns out that they just mistook him for someone less badass. Or they just figured no real human being could survive a broken leg, shattered arm and 10-15 fresh bullet holes in one sitting.
The best Hollywood could come up with:
John McClane (Bruce Wilis) from Die Hard:
Why it Doesn't Compare:
McClane has a fairly impressive resume of badassery, climbing through elevator shafts and killing terrorists with his bare hands, much like Yadav, except Yadav took more bullets in 10 minutes than McClane did in the entire series without even slowing down. Plus, he was fucking 19-years-old! Try to imagine a high school Bruce Willis screaming, "yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!"
Exactly.
#3.
Jack Churchill
Who Was He?
An allied commander in WWII, and an avid fan of surfing, Captain Jack Malcolm Thorpe Fleming Churchill aka "Fighting Jack Churchill" aka "Mad Jack" was basically the craziest motherfucker in the whole damn war.
He volunteered for commando duty, not actually knowing what it entailed, but knowing that it sounded dangerous, and therefore fun. He is best known for saying that "any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed" and, in following with this, for carrying a sword into battle. In WWII. And not one of those sissy ceremonial things the Marines have. No, Jack carried a fucking claymore. And he used it, too. He is credited with capturing a total of 42 Germans and a mortar squad in the middle of the night, using only his sword.
Churchill and his team were tasked with capturing a German fortification creatively called "Point 622." Churchill took the lead, charging ahead of the group into the dark through the barbed wire and mines, pitching grenades as he went. Although his unit did their best to catch up, all but six of them were lost to silly things like death. Of those six, half were wounded and all any of them had left were pistols. Then a mortar shell swung in and killed/mortally wounded everyone who wasn't Jack Churchill.
When the Germans found him, he was playing "Will Ye No Come Back Again?" on his bagpipes. Oh, we didn't mention that? He carried them right next to his big fucking sword.
After being sent to a concentration camp, he got bored and left. Just walked out. They caught him again, and sent him to a new camp. So he left again. After walking 150 miles with only a rusty can of onions for food, he was picked up by the Americans and sent back to Britain, where he demanded to be sent back into the field, only to find out (with great disappointment) the war had ended while he was on his way there. As he later said to his friends, "If it wasn't for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another 10 years!"
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert DuVall) from Apocalypse Now, of "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" fame.
Why It Doesn't Compare:
Well, truth be told, they're pretty much the same person. They're both at home on the battlefield, they have the same philosophies of war and both of them seem to be immune to mortar fire and bullets. Churchill's basically a crazier, Scottish version of Kilgore. With a big fucking broadsword. Like if Kilgore was played by William Wallace from Braveheart on crystal meth.
#2.
Alvin York
Who Was He?
Born to a family of redneck farmers from Tennessee, Alvin York spent much of his youth getting piss drunk in bars and getting into crazy barfights. When his friend got killed in one of the aforementioned barfights, he swore off the liquor, and became a pacifist. When he received his draft notice in 1917, York filed as a "conscientious objector" but was denied. They shipped his ass out to basic training.
About a year later, he was one of 17 men designated to sneak around and take out a fortified machine-gun encampment guarding a German railroad. As they were approaching, the gunners spotted them and opened fire, tearing nine of the men to pieces.
What's left of York's troupe.
The few survivors that didn't have enormous balls of steel ran away, leaving York standing there taking fire from 32 heavy machine gunners. As he said in his diary,
"I didn't have time to dodge behind a tree or dive into the brush, I didn't even have time to kneel or lie down. I had no time no how to do nothing but watch them-there German machine gunners and give them the best I had. Every time I seed a German I just touched him off. At first I was shooting from a prone position; that is lying down; just like we often shoot at the targets in the shooting matches in the mountains of Tennessee; and it was just about the same distance. But the targets here were bigger. I just couldn't miss a German's head or body at that distance. And I didn't."
After he killed the first 20 men or so, a German lieutenant got five guys together to try to take this guy from the side. York pulled out his Colt .45 (which only had eight bullets) and killed all of them with it, a practice he likened to "shoot[ing] wild turkeys back home."
At this point lieutenant Paul Jurgen Vollmer yelled out over the noise asking if York was English. See, in WWI, no one really took the Americans very seriously, and everyone thought of them as the rookies. Vollmer figured this crazy/awesome/ballsy soldier must be some kind of English superman who was showing these sissy Americans how it was done. When York said he was American, Vollmer replied "Good Lord! If you won't shoot any more I will make them give up."
Ten minutes later, 133 men came walking towards the remains of York's battalion. Lieutenant Woods, York's superior at first thought it was a German counter-attack until he saw York, who saluted and said "Corporal York reports with prisoners, sir." When the stunned officer asked how many, York replied "Honest, Lieutenant, I don't know."
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
John Rambo from Rambo.
Why it Doesn't Compare:
Sure, Rambo takes on a huge chunk of the Vietnamese soldiers guarding a POW camp and slaughters them all. But that was a good 10 years after the war ended. It's not like they were expecting some guy to come charging into the camp, mowing everybody down.
York pulled his badassery off in the middle of a war, while outnumbered every bit as badly as Rambo was. And York's the one who was a pacifist.
#1.
Audie Murphy
Who Was He?
When Audie Murphy applied to the Marines in 1942 at the tender age of 16, he was 5'5" and weighed 110 pounds. They laughed in his face. So he applied to the Air Force, and they also laughed in his face. Then he applied for the Army, and they figured they could always use another grunt to absorb gunfire, so they let him in. He wasn't particularly good at it, and they actually tried to get him transferred to be a cook after he passed out halfway through training. He insisted that he wanted to fight though, so they sent him into the maelstrom.
During the invasion of Italy he was promoted to corporal for his awesome shooting skills, and at the same time contracted malaria, which he had for almost the entire war. Try to remember that.
He was sent into southern France in 1944. He encountered a German machine gun crew who pretended they were surrendering, then shot his best buddy. Murphy completely hulked out, killed everyone in the gun nest, then used their weaponry to kill every baddie in a 100-yard radius, including two more machine gun nests and a bunch of snipers. They gave him a Distiguished Service Cross, and made him platoon commander while everyone apologized profusely for calling him "Shorty."
About half a year later, his company was given the job of defending the Colmar Pocket, a critical region in France, even though all they had left was 19 guys (out of the original 128) and a couple of M-10 Tank Destroyers.
The Germans showed up with a shitload of guys and half a dozen tanks. Since reinforcements weren't coming for a while, Murphy and his men hid in a trench and sent the M-10s to go do the heavy lifting. They got ripped to shreds.
Then, this five-and-a-half-foot-tall kid with malaria ran up to one of the crippled M-10s, hopped in behind the .50 cal machine gun, and started killing everything in sight. Understand that the M-10 was on fire, had a full tank of gas and was basically a death-trap.
He is a seriously tiny man.
He kept going for almost an hour until he was out of bullets, then walked back to his bewildered men as the M-10 exploded in the background Mad Max style. They gave him literally every medal they could (33 in all, although he had doubles of a few, plus five from France and one from Belgium), including the Medal of Honor.
After the war, he came down with Shell-Shock, and was prescribed the antidepressant placidyl. When he became addicted to the drug, rather than enter a program like some kind of sissy, he went cold-turkey, locked himself in a motel room for a week and got over it. He wrote an autobiography entitled To Hell and Back, and later became an actor.
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Audie Murphy (Audie Murphy) from To Hell and Back:
He is a seriously tiny man.
In To Hell and Back, Audie Murphy plays Audie Murphy, a badass war hero who proves his worth on the battlefield with his awesome badassery. The movie was the highest-grossing film Universal made, a record it held for 20 years until the making of Jaws. That's right, they actually needed a movie about a giant, man-eating, shark to top Audie Murphy's awesomeness.
Why it Doesn't Compare:
When some Hollywood producer wanted to make a movie based on Murphy's autobiography, he was determined to have Murphy play himself in the film. Murphy was afraid people would see the complete insane awesomeness the story had to offer, and think he was embellishing or trying to cash in on his fame, so he actually had them take parts out for fear that they wouldn't be believable to a Hollywood audience. Seriously.
最后编辑： king 编辑于2009/08/03 20:33
